Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Someone (Not) Like You

Okay, I admit--I'm a huge Adele fan. Love the voice, love the face, love the writing talent, love the unique & genre-bending music.

But lately a few too many friends have been loving on this song, and I've just got to quibble with the message.

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you..."


Girls (and guys)--here's the deal: when a relationship ends, THERE IS A REASON! Sometimes you don't know what the reason is, sometimes you know and it sucks, sometimes you are the reason, sometimes it's complicated, and sometimes it's painfully simple. But the reality is, whether you like it or not, there is a reason that things don't work out.

If the best you can hope for is to find someone else just like the person who broke your heart, you are in sad, sad shape and I'm not sure that anything I can say will get through to you.

Let's take a best case scenario and assume that Mr. Perfect is absolutely EVERYTHING you ever wanted in a guy. I mean, EVERYTHING. You would marry him and have his babies in a heartbeat. You wouldn't mind his sweaty socks on the floor and his toothpaste in the sink and you would gladly devote the rest of your life to offering slavish love and adoration because if anyone on earth deserves it, he does. The only teeny problem is that, for whatever reason, Mr. Perfect doesn't feel that you are Ms. Perfect-for-Him.

It is fine and absolutely healthy to say that you want to find someone very much like him, with all of his good and wonderful attributes that attracted you in the first place. But for your own sake, and that of those who love you, put an addendum on there that he has to be all that AND totally head over heels in love with you.

Even better, be open to meeting someone who is even more incredible and more perfect for you than Mr. Almost-Perfect was. Tell yourself--and really believe it--that things didn't work out because something even better is waiting around the corner.

I have been fantastically blessed in my life to know many, many extraordinary men. I've been blessed to date many extraordinary men, casually and seriously, for varying lengths of time. I've been blessed to know great men as friends, to enjoy working with good men as professional colleagues, and heck, I'll admit it--sometimes to crush on fabulous men from afar :). I totally get pointing to someone awesome and thinking, "that's what I want," whether it's one particular trait that really jumps out at you, or the whole package deal.

With any relationship, no matter how casual or intense, my constant prayer is that it will be for good. I know that I can't completely avoid the messiness and sometimes pain that come when expectations don't match up or feelings aren't reciprocated. I also know, thanks to all those extraordinary men I've known, that I can always come away a better person for knowing them. I can always come away with a better sense of what I truly want in a relationship...and in rare instances, a better sense of what I don't.

I can honestly say that I've never walked away from any relationship--whether I was the one ending it or the one being dumped--and thought, "Now if I could only find someone just like him..." Even the very best of them.

I'd hate to think that anyone was ever pursuing me because I reminded them of a previous love interest. Gah! I'm just self-centered enough to want to be loved and appreciated for my own sake, thank you very much. I'm assuming that guys feel the same way. I don't mind in the slightest if someone tells me that I'm very kindhearted, just like their favorite ex-girlfriend, or that my laugh reminds them of the girl they crushed on in sixth grade. Those are safe, innocent comparisons when kept in context. But if the sole aim is find someone like a near-mythical part of their past, I'll pass.

With all due respect--and great affection--for the men in my own past, this is why I hope to find Someone-Rather-Similar-But-Not-Quite-Like-You. Because, let's face it--things with us didn't have a happy ending, and eventually, I'd really like to be with someone who can create that happy ending with me.

Planning for that bright day sure as heck beats sitting around whining about finding someone like you.